I released my story of sibling abuse “I could never tell” with one goal in mind, to spread awareness and raise response.
How I came to write my story:
I lived with a deep dark secret that only very close family members and minimal people knew of for ten years. I was able to live in a sort of protected bubble, meaning I didn’t think about my past, I just went on with life as if it didn’t happen. Just the same way as a bubble will eventually pop, my self formed protective bubble did eventually pop as well.
About 8 years after the abuse (two years ago) I went into a downward spiral. I slowly began to seclude myself, stopped caring about my appearance, and became in a sort of depressed state. I didn’t admit that I was depressed at first because I didn’t think I was. I didn’t understand why I would be depressed. Life was generally good.
The more I secluded, the more I started not wanting to do simple things like going to the store, or visiting friends. The more my appearance declined and the more weight I gained the more reason I had as an excuse to not go anywhere. Then came nightmares. I started having nightmares of particular times of abuse, and others not exactly tied to particular abuse instances but where I would be running in the dark, pitch black dark, and although I didn’t see my abuser, I knew that he was dead in my nightmare.
It was then that I knew I couldn’t go on with life, keeping this secret, that was deteriorating my entire being. I then started seeing a holistic therapist. I was in therapy on and off for two years. I realized that talking about the abuse I had been through actually was like physically opening my soul, and letting out the pain, sorrow, guilt, anger, and it was only then that I could begin to heal. When you live with a secret, it eats you alive.
The more I talked about my experiences with sibling abuse and incest the more I began to start to dig deeper and research. I was surprised and astonished to see how many others have had some kind of sibling abuse experience in the lives, although most might happen during childhood whereas mine happened in young adulthood, the fact still is the same that sibling abuse is happening and it is a problem.
If I lived in fear, and silence most certainly others have too. I wrote my story because I want others to know that sibling abuse is out there, and the more we can educate and make the public aware, the chances of a healthy and supportive public response will be available to the victims and survivors. The more the public knows of sibling abuse, the more resources can be made available and hopefully victims and survivors will feel like they can come forward, they can talk about their abuse and this – this could mean saving someones life. Saving one person, that makes sharing my story worth it.
I have a beautiful eight year old daughter, born from the relationship described in my book. She is amazing, and innocent. I knew I had to be strong for her. The stronger I am for myself, the stronger I can be for her. I want her to know that despite how she was conceived she is a gift. She is what ultimately saved my life. Someday she will know this story, and when she does, she will know that WE are survivors, and that we can get through anything and not be taken over by our adversities but use them to change what tiny part of the world we can.